I do not feel inspired. On the contrary, I feel quite complacent, as if I were in a state of artistic and intellectual vegetation. It is a strange but familiar feeling. Too familiar, in fact.
I am tired but I cannot sleep. I am not unhappy, but still feel depressed, despite a recent increase in my antidepression medication. I feel apathetic and lethargic, as if my actions are of no significant consequence in the universe, and the knowledge that chance can undermine a life’s work in a split second exonerates any remaining motivation to act.
The future seems so far away. I want to run an avente garde salon in L.A.. I want to write. I want to teach. I want to travel the country and, someday, the world. I want to be a chef in a fancy restaurant. I want to be a Marine. I want to be president. I want to be an addict, a felon. A model, a movie star. I want to swim with sharks. I want to go to outer space.
I want to experience life. I want to rule over it, like a king. I want to beg from it, like a peasant; to be at it’s mercy like a prisoner awaiting execution. I want life to shudder with fear as I walk by. I want to eat it. I want to drink it. I want to rip it to pieces, utterly destroy and disfigure it, wipe it out completely. I want to rebuild it and make it beautiful again, to protect it and take care of it.
I feel lost. I feel lonely. I feel like a lone lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. I have a lot of great friends, but I seldom see them. I miss the intimacy of being in a relationship, but I am petrified by the thought of getting that close to someone again, and I know I need to focus on myself right now.
I want things to be how they were, but I also just want this part of my life to be over. I’m tired of trying to figure things out and ending up even more confused, of working hard but getting nowhere. Can’t we just fast forward to the days where I am happily married with a beautiful family and a big house and a yard where the kids can play and two nice new cars in the driveway?
Sadly though, I don’t want any of that. I want to be young and reckless and free like I am now. Or, more accurately, like I was.